It's been a long time...

Conversation today between Elena and me:
E: What are you doing, mommy?
U: Reading a book.
E: Read it out loud! I can't hear you!
U: No, it's a mommy book. A big person book. You wouldn't like it.
E: But I can't hear you. How do you know I won't like it?
U: Well, okay... (I read a few sentences from "Into the Wild"), then stop.
E: Why did you stop? Keep reading!
U: (exasperated) I am reading. This is mommy's book. I don't want to read it to you. (Keep reading silently)
E: But I can't hear you? What are you doing?
U: Reading. To myself. I am reading in my head. This is how grown-ups read books.

Seriously, my daughter is THREE and she doesn't remember ever seeing me read a book silently... to myself? What happened to me??? I guess a combination of not having any time or energy to do much reading in the first place combined with not taking time out to read a book (a book?) while my kids are awake and need supervising/entertaining and there are chores or work to be done. Reading a book is one of life's most basic, elemental, joys. When did my daily dose of literature turn from modern fiction to Dr. Seuss?

My new goal this summer: Read an adult book a week! To myself! Silently! Send in the recommendations! 

Weaning update

One week later, Jesse is going to sleep peacefully without a peep. It's almost as if he has forgotten about nursing altogether. Is that possible?? He doesn't even put his hand down my shirt anymore-- we just chat together a bit, he talks about all the people/animals/dolls/pets he loves ("Jesse loves Mommy, Daddy, Ellie, Obie, fish, Arol...") then I tell him about his day in a soft monotone till he drifts off. At his 4:30 am waking, I go in to cuddle with him for a few minutes till he falls back asleep. I imagine, I will start to wean him from the early morning visit in a few weeks-- one major milestone at a time!

So how do I feel? Honestly, in pain. Not emotional pain. If you don't know what I am talking about, then you have not lactated, or had a close friend who lactated. Imagine a faithful cow who suddenly stops being milked. Yes, it hurts. But hopefully, soon, my body will forget about nursing, too, and I can start to feel like a regular person, and not a neglected bovine.

As for Jesse, his solid, sweet, charismatic charm never wavered this entire week. I was secretly fearful that he would be angry with me and hate me and maybe decide that I had let him down and he couldn't trust me to be there for him. Not a bit. Even in the middle of the night tantrums, he managed to cry "Where are you., Mommy?" and "Why, Mommy?" and then in another breath, "I love you, Mommy!" Then during the day, he really didn't seem any different at all. I always wondered if babies' attachment styles changed when under going weaning or sleep training, and I can honestly say that I really don't think Jesse's relationship with me changed a bit. If anything, he has become more physically loving with everyone and everything... or maybe it is just a charming phase? Incredibly, today, between being a "bad guy!!" and wielding his bat of destruction, he hugged his bat close, patting its handle, and told it how much he loved it. That's my boy-- the most loving fighter you've ever met.

Jesse-isms

Just a couple Jesse-isms that I don't want to forget:

1. "Wubby": As in "Wubby to go!!" I have started calling him "Wubby" just because it is such a hilarious word.

2. "Yay." As in yay and nay. "Yo" turned into "yay."

3. "Owie" = sorry.

4. "Bad guy!!" Said when swinging around his bat and wearing his helmet, or when doing fake karate moves. or when ominous sounding music comes on. Where does he get this stuff?

The further adventures of Rainbow and Dave

Rainbow and Dave have lots of babies now [see picture #1]. They need to fight Foggy. Foggy is the bad evil horse [see picture #2] Rainbow and Dave take care of their babies, and then they put on their space suits and fly up into outer space and fight fight fight Foggy and naughty dinosaurs. They use dragon guns to fight the leopards and dinosaurs. Then they tie them up with magic tying ropes and put them in jail. Stop leopard, stop leopard, stop! That is what they say. Dave is afraid of Foggy, but Rainbow protects him [see picture #3]. Sometimes Dave stays home with the babies. One day there was a baby deer. It was so cute! And Rainbow and Dave and the babies and the deer all took a nap [see picture #4]

Summertime at Chez Krentz

I just can't tell you how amazing it is to live at my house. From every angle, there are gorgeous trees, flowering bushes, ferns, moss, clover... These pictures are really just a small taste of what we have to enjoy every day. Ironically, on the day I tried to capture the beauty around us, we also spent several hours pruning and pruning and lugging branches and weeding to keep it that way. But it is worth it! On pleasant summer days, I like nothing more than to hang out in the yard, feeding the fish and the chickens, and watching the kids run around. So all you out of towners-- come visit already!!

Human art

Dancing queen

Saturday mornings this last quarter Elena, Jesse and I went to the Creative Dance Center and danced our little hearts out for an hour. Dance class day is undoubtably Elena's most favorite time of the week. Kevin took her one week when Jesse and I were in Baltimore, and he questions the amount of actual "dancing" or "teaching" present... so he likes to call it "messing around time." Whatever-- Elena takes it deadly seriously, and on most days, she choreographs "new moves" and builds obstacle courses for Jesse at home ala dance class/messing around time. Try to get this kid to walk two blocks, and you'll get no end of whining and complaining, but put her in a leotard, put on music, and she will dance her little heart out. So it was my job to break it to her that there would be no more dance class this summer, to which she transformed from dancing queen to drama queen. "I'll never dance again! I am not your daughter and you are not my mother! I will give up on everything!" Oy vey.

Happy Birthday, Katy!

WEANING

This is the official weaning post. The last 9 months I was hoping that Jesse would gradually lose interest in nursing and with a little distraction and perhaps a favorite stuffed animal, we would conquer weaning with nary a tear. I was not so lucky. A couple nights ago, at the ripe age of 21 months, Jesse woke up to nurse every three hours all night long. I was a zombie the next day at graduation ceremonies and ran into a friend who told me that all I needed to do was lock him in a room and not open the door till the morning. At the time, I was too tired to argue, but when I got home, I realized that yes, it was time to do something, but NO, I would not be doing it torture-style. It was time to take charge and do what I am supposed to do best-- know my baby, know myself, and have a little bit of knowledge about child development to boot. I imagined that I was writing a "how to wean your toddler" website, and by that evening, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I stopped nursing. (Thanks, Molly for your words of advice! Cold turkey!)

That evening when I put him down for bed, we both got in our usual bedtime cuddling/nursing position on his futon and Jesse asked/demanded "shush! I wan shush!" and I told him no, no more shush, shush bye-bye. The poor guy went through all the stages of mourning in about 15 minutes: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, then finally, acceptance-- in the form of a hand down my shirt and blessed sleep. I found myself crying with him (I know, I know, this is total schmaltz), but seriously, I was really sad. If this is my last baby, (big if), then I may never nurse again, and that is tragic. I have loved nursing my babies so much. But I also love sleep, and my body, and I know that developmentally, Jesse is ready for this, I am ready for this, and we can do it.

Middle of the night-- another 15 minutes of screaming and negotiating. At one point, he looked deeply into my eyes and said "la la mommy" and I said, "Oh baby, I love you too!" and he responded, "no, WA-WA mommy" and I sheepishly got up to get him a cup of water.

Today, we kept really busy and tried to stay outside in the sun as much as possible and there were no requests, no nursing. Tonight, only 5 minutes of "shush! shush! shush!", then the hand down my shirt, and fast asleep. Middle of the night might be more of a challenge, but I think I can see the light! If weaning can happen so quickly-- and I think that it will-- then I think that means that Jesse has had enough experience going to sleep without me (thanks to nannies, and Miss Amy) that he just needs to reset his sleep strategies and get out of the nursing habit. Hopefully, I will have a full night's sleep for the first time in...too, too, too long. Honestly, I can't remember what it feels like not to be sleep deprived.

So there you go-- a way too long post about something probably most of you would rather not discuss. Never fear, more cute kid pictures in the near future!

Questions

Both Elena and Jesse have a favorite question these days.
Elena's relentless refrain: "What day is it tomorrow?"
Me: Tomorrow is Friday.
Elena: Who comes?
Me: Becca comes all day.
Elena: Yay!!! My favorite day is Becca day. Then I like dance class day. Then I like church day. (Because she gets to dress up)

We have that conversation a few times a day. Readers must understand that she has a different childcare situation every day, and kids don't usually start "getting" time concepts till 5-years-old, so it's like I have to keep describing colors to a blind person. She is just starting to get the concept of "day," and she gets that the same days cycle by, but "week" is still out of her range. The saddest part of this daily conversation is that when we get to "mommy day" she replies with a heart-breaking "oh." Am I really that bad?? "What will we do?" she asks, and I have to be honest:" Well, Thursday is also laundry day, vacuuming day, bathroom cleaning day, grocery store day, bank day...." You get the idea.

Jesse's new question is "WHY?" The first time he asked, I thought he must be trying to say something else, because he can't even answer a "why" question, let alone ask one. But after a week of "why"s, I am convinced that he gets it. He must have picked it from his big sister, because I get most of the whys after I tell him not to do something. Example from today:

Me: Be quiet Jesse!
J: Why?
Me: Because Elena is sleeping.
J: Why?
M: Because it's her bedtime and she needs to sleep.
J: Why?
M: Uh, because sleeping keeps you healthy and strong.
J: Why?
M: Well, there are several different theories as to why sleeping is restorative...(I lapse into psychology prof mode).

Who knows if he understands much of the reasons behind the whys, but it is pretty darn cute that he has the where-with-all to ask in the first place.